This Page is a Work in Progress. Let me know if you find any blatant errors.
All of these quotes are collected from the fortune program and have been somewhat organized by me.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. ============================================================================= Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. ============================================================================= Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. ============================================================================= Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. ============================================================================= Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can ever hope to acquire it. =============================================================================
A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow ... Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= "God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them ..." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face. "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy retail." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= Shamus, n.: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" ============================================================================= There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions" =============================================================================
... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Incumbent, n.: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Man, n.: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. -- Ambrose Bierce ============================================================================= November, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Once, adv.: Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Once Law was sitting on the bench And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon you knees if you appear, 'Tis plain you have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" "Amica curiae," she replied -- "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- I never saw your face before!" -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ============================================================================= Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" =============================================================================
"... all the modern inconveniences ..." -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar." -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. ============================================================================= A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery -- go! -- Mark "The Bard" Twain ============================================================================= Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= "He is now rising from affluence to poverty." -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" ============================================================================= I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= "When in doubt, tell the truth." -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" ============================================================================= Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain ============================================================================= "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved" -- Mark Twain =============================================================================
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again. People think you are stupid.
=============================================================================
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates, and
people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and
are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
=============================================================================
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
nice.
=============================================================================
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
=============================================================================
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
incest.
=============================================================================
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
a sick sense of humor.
=============================================================================
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
=============================================================================
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
that old underwear you own.
=============================================================================
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
=============================================================================
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
=============================================================================
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
=============================================================================
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
=============================================================================
Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" ============================================================================= As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" ============================================================================= It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" =============================================================================W What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" ============================================================================= When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen ============================================================================= Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" =============================================================================
Famous last words: ============================================================================= Famous last words: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 2) "You and what army?" 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop." ============================================================================= Famous last words: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 4. We won't need reservations. 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. =============================================================================
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. -- Abraham Lincoln ============================================================================= Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln ============================================================================= Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- A. Lincoln =============================================================================
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" ============================================================================= The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". -- H. Allen Smith =============================================================================
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -- G. B. Shaw ============================================================================= I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. -- George Bernard Shaw ============================================================================= The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Bernard Shaw ============================================================================= There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it -- G. B. Shaw ============================================================================= When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw =============================================================================
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" ============================================================================= It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" ============================================================================= Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" =============================================================================
... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America". -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing Half a pound of tuppenny rice Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= Some points to remember [about animals]: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ============================================================================= When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" =============================================================================
Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. -- Ray Simard ============================================================================= C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard ============================================================================= Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. -- Ray Simard ============================================================================= Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need is in the others. -- Ray Simard =============================================================================
Deck Us All With Boston Charlie Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! -- Walt Kelly ============================================================================= HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt Kelly ============================================================================= "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means." -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" ============================================================================= Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... -- Walt Kelly ============================================================================= "Now is the time for all good men to come to." -- Walt Kelly ============================================================================= We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" ============================================================================= We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly =============================================================================
... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
quickly.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
=============================================================================
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
=============================================================================
... This striving for excellence extends into people's
personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
Liza Minnelli.
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
=============================================================================
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
that it sinks like a stone.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
=============================================================================
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"
-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
=============================================================================
All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around
you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making
average incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents,
insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll
realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins
in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real
successes, the people who make a lot more money than you -- Elton John,
Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They
all dress funny -- and they all succeed. Are you catching on?
-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
=============================================================================
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
running the post office.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
=============================================================================
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
=============================================================================
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
=============================================================================
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS,
RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
=============================================================================
Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
=============================================================================
-- Gifts for Children --
This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
=============================================================================
-- Gifts for Men --
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
=============================================================================
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
just like Richard Nixon."
-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
=============================================================================
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
important electrical lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.
Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
=============================================================================
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
=============================================================================
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
Lassie filed the applications for.
-- Dave Barry
=============================================================================
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars:
For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return
around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours
poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you
can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it
to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his
money.
-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
=============================================================================
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
primitive umpire.
What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
=============================================================================
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
choice.
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
=============================================================================
Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
and go to a mall.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
=============================================================================
Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
no need to improve ...
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
=============================================================================
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
lots.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
=============================================================================
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
=============================================================================
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
developed cancer.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
=============================================================================
"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
=============================================================================
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
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Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
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We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
in his bowl full of jelly.
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
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Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
children open their old-fashioned presents.
Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
and I get this cretin TOP?"
Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
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Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
come back.
Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
although their insurance rates went way up.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
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You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
safety glasses.
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
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You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The
short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
names. Here's the complete text:
"1. How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
"2. How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
"3. Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
form.
-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
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You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
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You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
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A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And he answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. And that is Fate? said the priest. Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was too. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" ============================================================================= "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" ============================================================================= "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" ============================================================================= I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" ============================================================================= "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" ============================================================================= Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" =============================================================================
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun ============================================================================= Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun ============================================================================= Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun =============================================================================
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, A root or two, a torus and a node: The inverse of my verse, a null domain. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices. Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to _n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our symptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ============================================================================= When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" =============================================================================
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" ============================================================================= Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" ============================================================================= How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" ============================================================================= "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't-- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" ============================================================================= "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" ============================================================================= I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." I sent a letter back to say It would be better to obey. But someone came to me and said "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, and I said it plain "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He said "You needn't shout so loud." And he was very proud and stiff, He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." I took a kettle from the shelf, I went to wake them up myself. But when I found the door was locked I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ... "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" ============================================================================= Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, Et le m^omerade horgrave. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" ============================================================================= "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. "Too proud?" the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," she said, "that one can't help growing older." "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." -- Lewis Carroll ============================================================================= Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases. Wow! wow! wow! I speak severely to my boy, And beat him when he sneezes: For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases! Wow! wow! wow! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" ============================================================================= The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright -- And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" ============================================================================= "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat -- Lewis Carrol ============================================================================= "You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?" "In my youth," father William replied to his son, "I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." -- Lewis Carrol ============================================================================= "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- Pray, how did you manage to do it?" "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life." -- Lewis Carrol ============================================================================= "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- Pray what is the reason of that?" "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, "I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- Allow me to sell you a couple?" -- Lewis Carrol ============================================================================= "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- What made you so awfully clever?" "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" -- Lewis Carrol =============================================================================
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. -- W. C. Fields ============================================================================= Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W. C.: It's almost impossible. -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" ============================================================================= "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields ============================================================================= Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields ============================================================================= Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. -- W. C. Fields ============================================================================= Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" ============================================================================= The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields =============================================================================
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. ============================================================================= [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves to see him work. -- Winston Churchill ============================================================================= [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston Churchill ============================================================================= A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchill ============================================================================= Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. -- Winston Churchill ============================================================================= I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill ============================================================================= "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce" -- Winston Churchill ============================================================================= "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts." -- Winston Churchill ============================================================================= "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war =============================================================================
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. ============================================================================= Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. ============================================================================= Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". =============================================================================
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare ============================================================================= College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. -- H. L. Mencken ============================================================================= Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking -- H. L. Mencken ============================================================================= Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken ============================================================================= For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken ============================================================================= Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken ============================================================================= Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. -- H. L. Mencken =============================================================================
Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" ============================================================================= Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" ============================================================================= Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" =============================================================================E Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" ============================================================================= Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" ============================================================================= Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" =============================================================================
Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed ============================================================================= As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope." -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. -- Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --Oscar Wilde ============================================================================= "Why was I born with such contemporaries?" -- Oscar Wilde =============================================================================
Dear Miss Manners: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between courses, is all right. Which is correct? Gentle Reader: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. ============================================================================= Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ... ============================================================================= The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street ... ============================================================================= There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour =============================================================================
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)" -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] ============================================================================= Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. ============================================================================= I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson ============================================================================= If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson ============================================================================= Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? -- Ralph Emerson ============================================================================= The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson =============================================================================
It is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl Sandburg =============================================================================
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John Kenneth Galbraith ============================================================================= If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -- John Kenneth Galbraith ============================================================================= Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith =============================================================================
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- Did you ever try buying then without money? -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all. -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! -- Ogden Nash ============================================================================= The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash. ============================================================================= The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. -- Ogden Nash =============================================================================
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. -- R. A. Heinlein ============================================================================= The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. -- Robert Heinlein ============================================================================= When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. -- Robert Heinlein ============================================================================= $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" ============================================================================= Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" ============================================================================= Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" ============================================================================= Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" ============================================================================= The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" ============================================================================= Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" =============================================================================
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" ============================================================================= Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. ============================================================================= Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" =============================================================================
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering voice. "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" ============================================================================= It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" ============================================================================= The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" ============================================================================= "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" =============================================================================
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" ============================================================================= Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" ============================================================================= Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" ============================================================================= DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss -- and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three do. Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe ... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind your back. -- National Lampoon ============================================================================= Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" ============================================================================= Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" ============================================================================= Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" ============================================================================= Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" =============================================================================
"Grub first, then ethics." -- Bertolt Brecht ============================================================================= "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" -- Bertold Brecht ============================================================================= "Why be a man when you can be a success?" -- Bertold Brecht =============================================================================
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin ============================================================================= Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily Tomlin ============================================================================= There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. -- Lily Tomlin ============================================================================= "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." -- Lily Tomlin ============================================================================= "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" -- Lily Tomlin =============================================================================
Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. ============================================================================= COMMENT Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= FIGHTING WORDS Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue -- Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, And a wild young wood-thing bore him! The ways are fair to his roaming feet, And the skies are sunlit for him. As sharply sweet to my heart he seems As the fragrance of acacia. My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- And I wish he were in Asia. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway or the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= My own dear love, he is strong and bold And he cares not what comes after. His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, And his eyes are lit with laughter. He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. My own dear love, he is all my world -- And I wish I'd never met him. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light; They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints ... So far, I've had no complaints. -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker ============================================================================= There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- Would you kindly direct me to hell? -- Dorothy Parker =============================================================================
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis ============================================================================= It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? -- Alan Perlis ============================================================================= The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis ============================================================================= You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. -- Alan Perlis =============================================================================
"A witty saying proves nothing." -- Voltaire ============================================================================= It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. -- Voltaire ============================================================================= It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. -- Voltaire ============================================================================= Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire ============================================================================= The superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire =============================================================================
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -- Steve Rubenstein ============================================================================= Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. -- Steve Rubenstein ============================================================================= Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve Rubenstein ============================================================================= Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubenstein =============================================================================
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. ============================================================================= THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. ============================================================================= THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. ============================================================================= THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. ============================================================================= THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. ============================================================================= THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. =============================================================================
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" ============================================================================= Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" ============================================================================= Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" ============================================================================= Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams ============================================================================= There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" ============================================================================= There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" =============================================================================" This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. -- Douglas Adams ============================================================================= With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" ============================================================================= "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" =============================================================================
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." ============================================================================= As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein ============================================================================= Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert Einstein ============================================================================= God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein ============================================================================= "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- Albert Einstein ============================================================================= "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." -- Albert Einstein ============================================================================= The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert Einstein =============================================================================
Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. ============================================================================= Jones's First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. ============================================================================= Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. ============================================================================= Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. =============================================================================
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." ============================================================================= SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson ============================================================================= The steady state of disks is full. --Ken Thompson ============================================================================= When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson =============================================================================
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star ============================================================================= If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. -- Ronald Reagan ============================================================================= President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. ============================================================================= Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile ============================================================================= Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. ============================================================================= Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie Brown ============================================================================= There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. ============================================================================= Good day to let down old friends who need help. ============================================================================= "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -- English Professor ============================================================================= "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating" -- Boss Tweed ============================================================================= Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. ============================================================================= Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders' dying words ============================================================================= The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. ============================================================================= The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein -- it rejects it. -- P. Medawar ============================================================================= The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar ============================================================================= Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice. -- C. Degen ============================================================================= Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. ============================================================================= You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. ============================================================================= Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects. ============================================================================= It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. -- Alexander Korda ============================================================================= No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. ============================================================================= There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. ============================================================================= Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. ============================================================================= Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt. ============================================================================= At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." ============================================================================= I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West ============================================================================= Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West ============================================================================= You're never too old to become younger. -- Mae West ============================================================================= Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson ============================================================================= In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. -- Adlai Stevenson ============================================================================= New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. ============================================================================= You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. ============================================================================= Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes. -- Donald Kaul ============================================================================= Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. ============================================================================= To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target. ============================================================================= "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging." --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. ============================================================================= Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA. ============================================================================= Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. ============================================================================= You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. ============================================================================= All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. ============================================================================= Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. ============================================================================= Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. ============================================================================= "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." -- Lily Tomlin ============================================================================= There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. ============================================================================= Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. ============================================================================= Help a swallow land at Capistrano. ============================================================================= Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! ============================================================================= Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. ============================================================================= The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. -- Andy Warhol ============================================================================= Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F. M. Hubbard ============================================================================= If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. ============================================================================= Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. ============================================================================= Decisionmaker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped. ============================================================================= Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. ============================================================================= Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams ============================================================================= ... And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man -- A. E. Housman ============================================================================= Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman ============================================================================= "Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, It gives a chap the belly-ache. The cow, the old cow, she is dead; It sleeps well the horned head: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." -- A. E. Housman ============================================================================= This is for all ill-treated fellows Unborn and unbegot, For them to read when they're in trouble And I am not. -- A. E. Housman ============================================================================= Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. -- A. E. Housman ============================================================================= Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head. ============================================================================= Ozman's Laws: 1. If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 2. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 3. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 4. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. ============================================================================= If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard ============================================================================= Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side. ============================================================================= better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claustown cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good } ============================================================================= There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. ============================================================================= Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." ============================================================================= THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat. ============================================================================= The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. -- Dizzy Dean ============================================================================= PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. -- E. W. Dijkstra ============================================================================= The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. -- E. W. Dijkstra ============================================================================= ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." ============================================================================= 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. Six in the third place means: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! ============================================================================= Rule of Creative Research: 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. ============================================================================= Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. ============================================================================= Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. ============================================================================= Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. ============================================================================= Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. ============================================================================= Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. ============================================================================= f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. ============================================================================= If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. ============================================================================= Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. ============================================================================= The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. ============================================================================= Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. ============================================================================= Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. ============================================================================= Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. ============================================================================= "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." -- Yiddish saying ============================================================================= The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If its just painted its still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" ============================================================================= Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic ============================================================================= Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." ============================================================================= Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx ============================================================================= Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx ============================================================================= A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson ============================================================================= "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." -- Samuel Johnson ============================================================================= Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. -- S. C. Johnson ============================================================================= "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" ============================================================================= Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. -- Milton Friedman ============================================================================= Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. ============================================================================= A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James ============================================================================= Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. ============================================================================= Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. ============================================================================= Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" ============================================================================= "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" ============================================================================= Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" ============================================================================= A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. ============================================================================= Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. ============================================================================= "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." ============================================================================= Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. ============================================================================= The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. -- Lao Tsu ============================================================================= It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. ============================================================================= Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. ============================================================================= When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. ============================================================================= Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. ============================================================================= Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. ============================================================================= Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. ============================================================================= Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. ============================================================================= Who's on first? ============================================================================= If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli ============================================================================= "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity." -- Benjamin Disraeli ============================================================================= There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. -- Disraeli ============================================================================= "Pascal is not a high-level language." -- Steven Feiner ============================================================================= You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers. -- Steven Feiner ============================================================================= Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy ============================================================================= IBM had a PL/I, Its syntax worse than JOSS; And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss. ============================================================================= I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov ============================================================================= The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." -- Isaac Asimov ============================================================================= United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. -- Isaac Asimov ============================================================================= The Killer Ducks are coming!!! ============================================================================= Any excuse will serve a tyrant. -- Aesop ============================================================================= Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. ============================================================================= Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. ============================================================================= If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer ============================================================================= New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. ============================================================================= Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. ============================================================================= Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. ============================================================================= How come wrong numbers are never busy? ============================================================================= An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. ============================================================================= Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. ============================================================================= "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" ============================================================================= Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. ============================================================================= Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover ============================================================================= God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. ============================================================================= Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. ============================================================================= Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. ============================================================================= ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) ============================================================================= "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston ============================================================================= Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. "Confound those who have said our remarks before us." -- Aelius Donatus ============================================================================= You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. -- J. Wellington Wells ============================================================================= Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head. ============================================================================= If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. -- Thomas Carlyle ============================================================================= The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. -- Glaser and Way ============================================================================= Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. -- Senator Soaper ============================================================================= Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, Is like being nowhere at all, All through the day how the hours rush by, You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" ============================================================================= God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. ============================================================================= Acid -- better living through chemistry. ============================================================================= Schizophrenia beats being alone. ============================================================================= Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. ============================================================================= SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts. ============================================================================= Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. -- System V.2 administrator's guide ============================================================================= What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. ============================================================================= "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets" -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" ============================================================================= There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. Who ============================================================================= I for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. ============================================================================= And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. ============================================================================= Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. ============================================================================= We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. ============================================================================= A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. ============================================================================= Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell ============================================================================= I like your game but we have to change the rules. ============================================================================= Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. -- Trotsky ============================================================================= Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. ============================================================================= Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist. ============================================================================= Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. ============================================================================= Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld ============================================================================= When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. ============================================================================= The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt ============================================================================= You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin ============================================================================= Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. ============================================================================= Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer ============================================================================= I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. ============================================================================= Cleanliness is next to impossible. ============================================================================= Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. ============================================================================= What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. ============================================================================= "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place." -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine ============================================================================= This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 ============================================================================= A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. ============================================================================= Go 'way! You're bothering me! ============================================================================= God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's ============================================================================= Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. ============================================================================= Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'" ============================================================================= I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? ============================================================================= Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. ============================================================================= Ehrman's Commentary: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better? ============================================================================= I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. ============================================================================= Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. ============================================================================= Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary ============================================================================= Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. ============================================================================= History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. ============================================================================= This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. ============================================================================= Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. ============================================================================= Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. ============================================================================= Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. ============================================================================= Take it easy, we're in a hurry. ============================================================================= Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. ============================================================================= Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. ============================================================================= Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? ============================================================================= Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. ============================================================================= On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." -- Wolfgang Pauli ============================================================================= Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. ============================================================================= During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o ============================================================================= "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." ============================================================================= "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore." ============================================================================= God is Dead -- Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead -- God Nietzsche is God -- The Dead ============================================================================= Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche ============================================================================= "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." ============================================================================= "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" ============================================================================= What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! ============================================================================= Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. ============================================================================= "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ..." --- Gilda Radner ============================================================================= Let us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first. ============================================================================= Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan ============================================================================= Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on. ============================================================================= How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. ============================================================================= Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President ============================================================================= 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks Did gyre and gimble in their cave All mimsy was the CS-VAX And Cory raths outgrave. "Beware the software rot, my son! The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! Beware the broken pipe, and shun The frumious system crash!" ============================================================================= Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. ============================================================================= "I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan ============================================================================= Anything free is worth what you pay for it. ============================================================================= Equal bytes for women. ============================================================================= Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. ============================================================================= "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth ============================================================================= Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. ============================================================================= If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe ============================================================================= Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. ============================================================================= "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" ============================================================================= What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin ============================================================================= we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, we will cry over things we used to laugh & our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & in the end a summer with wild winds & new friends will be. ============================================================================= Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy. ============================================================================= Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ============================================================================= For a good time, call (415) 642-9483 ============================================================================= What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." -- Susan Gordon ============================================================================= If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number. ============================================================================= How doth the VAX's C compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear their clothes to rags. ============================================================================= If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. -- Henny Youngman ============================================================================= Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. ============================================================================= Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. ============================================================================= Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. ============================================================================= "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!" ============================================================================= User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. ============================================================================= Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen ============================================================================= Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 ============================================================================= Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. ============================================================================= Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. ============================================================================= You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. ============================================================================= The best defense against logic is ignorance. ============================================================================= Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. ============================================================================= There was a young lady from Hyde Who ate a green apple and died. While her lover lamented The apple fermented And made cider inside her inside. ============================================================================= Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. ============================================================================= God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. ============================================================================= "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge ============================================================================= If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. ============================================================================= Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. ============================================================================= What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. ============================================================================= Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -- Swami X ============================================================================= Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. ============================================================================= Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. ============================================================================= You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. ============================================================================= Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. ============================================================================= A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. ============================================================================= You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. -- Lauren Bacall ============================================================================= Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy ============================================================================= You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food ============================================================================= Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. ============================================================================= "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." ============================================================================= Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom Leher ============================================================================= Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. -- Tom Leher ============================================================================= 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation! ============================================================================= Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. ============================================================================= Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. -- E. B. White ============================================================================= They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results About a month before. Their hair began to curl The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this To pass where they had failed For it must ever be And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. My notion was to start again Ignoring all they'd done We quickly turned it into code To see if it would run. ============================================================================= Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. ============================================================================= What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. ============================================================================= I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo Galilei ============================================================================= God rest ye CS students now, Let nothing you dismay. The VAX is down and won't be up, Until the first of May. The program that was due this morn, Won't be postponed, they say. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. The bearings on the drum are gone, The disk is wobbling, too. We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol Can't tell false from true. And now we find that we can't get At Berkeley's 4.2. (chorus) ============================================================================= After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? ============================================================================= "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?" "Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books And don't realize that they've been had." ============================================================================= Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. ============================================================================= Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. ============================================================================= Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. ============================================================================= Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. ============================================================================= The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Bohr ============================================================================= Excellent day to have a rotten day. ============================================================================= Your lucky number has been disconnected. ============================================================================= Paul Revere was a tattle-tale ============================================================================= Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. ============================================================================= Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! -- Adventures of Asterix. ============================================================================= The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. ============================================================================= If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. ============================================================================= Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". ============================================================================= When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. ============================================================================= Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. ============================================================================= F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! ============================================================================= Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. ============================================================================= He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS ============================================================================= "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth ============================================================================= "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont." -- Clarence Darrow ============================================================================= When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge ============================================================================= Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. ============================================================================= If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman ============================================================================= Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. ============================================================================= In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. ============================================================================= The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. ============================================================================= Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue. ============================================================================= Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 ============================================================================= So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell ============================================================================= LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. Sevenoaks ============================================================================= I can resist anything but temptation. ============================================================================= Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? ============================================================================= Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. ============================================================================= "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." ============================================================================= Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams ============================================================================= "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." ============================================================================= Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. ============================================================================= A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie ============================================================================= The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. -- Dennis M. Ritchie ============================================================================= The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" ============================================================================= Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. ============================================================================= War hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward Montague ============================================================================= Chicken Little was right. ============================================================================= 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... ============================================================================= The Roman Rule The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. ============================================================================= Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. ============================================================================= I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan ============================================================================= I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" ============================================================================= Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse ============================================================================= The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty ============================================================================= The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. ============================================================================= BLISS is ignorance ============================================================================= Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. ============================================================================= Laws of Serendipity: 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. 2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one. ============================================================================= Save energy: be apathetic. ============================================================================= (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes. ============================================================================= Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. ============================================================================= Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. ============================================================================= Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person. ============================================================================= A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... ============================================================================= When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal ============================================================================= I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. ============================================================================= SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! ============================================================================= To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. ============================================================================= If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. ============================================================================= Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". ============================================================================= Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place. % Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A: Both of them. ============================================================================= I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" ============================================================================= Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. ============================================================================= "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the starfield surrounding the ship. "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" ============================================================================= The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. ============================================================================= Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. ============================================================================= Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the Station-to-Station rate. ============================================================================= The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie Altito ============================================================================= "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." -- Gypsy Rose Lee ============================================================================= In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back." ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." ============================================================================= He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" ============================================================================= Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. ============================================================================= Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. ============================================================================= If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. ============================================================================= A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" ============================================================================= Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. ============================================================================= Hindsight is an exact science. ============================================================================= We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. -- Whole Earth Catalog ============================================================================= "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" -- Jon Carroll ============================================================================= The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. ============================================================================= There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. ============================================================================= Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. ============================================================================= Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. ============================================================================= BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." -- Jay Ward ============================================================================= The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! ============================================================================= I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. ============================================================================= Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel ============================================================================= Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. ============================================================================= What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? ============================================================================= Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. ============================================================================= Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. ============================================================================= Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. ============================================================================= Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town. ============================================================================= Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. ============================================================================= The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. ============================================================================= One seldom sees a monument to a committee. ============================================================================= Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy ============================================================================= WARNING: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. ============================================================================= First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. ============================================================================= If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it. ============================================================================= I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. ============================================================================= Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. ============================================================================= A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. ============================================================================= Fats Loves Madelyn ============================================================================= Condense soup, not books! ============================================================================= "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime." -- Thomas Aldrich ============================================================================= Vote anarchist ============================================================================= Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato ============================================================================= Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. ============================================================================= Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. ============================================================================= Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. ============================================================================= Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. -- R. Buckminster Fuller ============================================================================= Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. ============================================================================= THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... ============================================================================= Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors. ============================================================================= An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. ============================================================================= Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. ============================================================================= Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. ============================================================================= Hire the morally handicapped. ============================================================================= The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences' is: some do, some don't. -- Ernest Rutherford ============================================================================= If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. ============================================================================= According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. ============================================================================= Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. ============================================================================= This is the story of the bee Whose sex is very hard to see You cannot tell the he from the she But she can tell, and so can he The little bee is never still She has no time to take the pill And that is why, in times like these There are so many sons of bees. ============================================================================= Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks. ============================================================================= I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, And think of the places my get-up has been. -- Pete Seeger ============================================================================= You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. ============================================================================= Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! ============================================================================= Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. ============================================================================= Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. ============================================================================= Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. ============================================================================= You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. ============================================================================= Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. ============================================================================= Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then. ============================================================================= Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. ============================================================================= G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy." ============================================================================= Dear Lord: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand", again. ============================================================================= A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. ============================================================================= Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. ============================================================================= Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. -- Peter de Vries ============================================================================= Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. ============================================================================= Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow ============================================================================= I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. -- Clarence Darrow ============================================================================= When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow ============================================================================= If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. ============================================================================= Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. ============================================================================= Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. ============================================================================= Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down ============================================================================= Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. ============================================================================= Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman ============================================================================= I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. ============================================================================= Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false. ============================================================================= Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. ============================================================================= AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. ============================================================================= What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. ============================================================================= $3,000,000 ============================================================================= Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. ============================================================================= The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful -- Frederick Locker-Lampson ============================================================================= "One planet is all you get." ============================================================================= Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. ============================================================================= A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnow ============================================================================= Universe, n.: The problem. ============================================================================= Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. -- R. Geis ============================================================================= We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. ============================================================================= The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? ============================================================================= Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender." ============================================================================= Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. ============================================================================= Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" ============================================================================= O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. ============================================================================= You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. -- Bumper Sticker ============================================================================= There once was an old man from Esser, Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all, And now he's a College Professor. ============================================================================= A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. ============================================================================= "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!" ============================================================================= A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. ============================================================================= *** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! ============================================================================= Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. ============================================================================= "It's bad luck to be superstitious." -- Andrew W. Mathis ============================================================================= Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about." ============================================================================= The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. ============================================================================= Every solution breeds new problems. ============================================================================= AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. ============================================================================= Today is the first day of the rest of the mess ============================================================================= Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. ============================================================================= Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. ============================================================================= Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. ============================================================================= There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. ============================================================================= The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. ============================================================================= Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off ============================================================================= Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. ============================================================================= "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." -- Firesign Theater ============================================================================= Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. ============================================================================= When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money. -- Kim Hubbard ============================================================================= An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. ============================================================================= Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office. ============================================================================= A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. ============================================================================= Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. ============================================================================= Optimization hinders evolution. ============================================================================= Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. ============================================================================= These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. ============================================================================= Optimization hinders evolution. ============================================================================= A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard -- Prof. Steiner ============================================================================= The three laws of thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. ============================================================================= First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. ============================================================================= Elevators smell different to midgets ============================================================================= Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. ============================================================================= They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! ============================================================================= Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. ============================================================================= Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. ============================================================================= What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? ============================================================================= As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." ============================================================================= What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" ============================================================================= Predestination was doomed from the start. ============================================================================= A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. ============================================================================= There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. ============================================================================= Satellite Safety Tip #14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. ============================================================================= "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." -- Samuel Foote ============================================================================= Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. ============================================================================= Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. ============================================================================= Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein ============================================================================= Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. ============================================================================= It is the business of the future to be dangerous. -- Hawkwind ============================================================================= Pittsburgh Driver's Test 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. ============================================================================= Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. ============================================================================= Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. ============================================================================= Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels. ============================================================================= I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres Which still grates on Some people's n'oeuvres. -- Warren Knox ============================================================================= New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. ============================================================================= Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. ============================================================================= Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! ============================================================================= If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. -- Reverend Chichester ============================================================================= Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. ============================================================================= You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn ============================================================================= Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. ============================================================================= You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. ============================================================================= Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all. ============================================================================= People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. ============================================================================= Higgeldy Piggeldy, Hamlet of Elsinore Ruffled the critics by Dropping this bomb: "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." ============================================================================= If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? ============================================================================= Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. ============================================================================= "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] ============================================================================= Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots ============================================================================= People will buy anything that's one to a customer. ============================================================================= O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? ============================================================================= I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. ============================================================================= Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. ============================================================================= When all other means of communication fail, try words. ============================================================================= Familiarity breeds attempt ============================================================================= New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful Dead ============================================================================= Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. ============================================================================= Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. ============================================================================= What with chromodynamics and electroweak too Our Standardized Model should please even you, Tho once you did say that of charm there was none It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. Yet your state of the union penultimate large Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, Dec. 1984 ============================================================================= Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. ============================================================================= Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier ============================================================================= Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. ============================================================================= "Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?" ============================================================================= After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. ============================================================================= What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. ============================================================================= Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. ============================================================================= Think honk if you're a telepath. ============================================================================= The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: 1. They all had moderate appetites. 2. They all came from middle class homes 3. All but two of them were dead. ============================================================================= Necessity is a mother. ============================================================================= Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. ============================================================================= Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. ============================================================================= Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. ============================================================================= Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. ============================================================================= I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it. ============================================================================= Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. ============================================================================= The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. ============================================================================= You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. ============================================================================= Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? ============================================================================= "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) ============================================================================= Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. ============================================================================= A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? ============================================================================= If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. ============================================================================= Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. ============================================================================= Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. ============================================================================= "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." -- J. Finnegan, USC. ============================================================================= Pittsburgh Driver's Test 8: Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. ============================================================================= With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm ============================================================================= Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. ============================================================================= Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. ============================================================================= One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. ============================================================================= X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot. ============================================================================= If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. ============================================================================= Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. ============================================================================= Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. ============================================================================= Oregon, n.: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night. ============================================================================= Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. ============================================================================= FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... ============================================================================= Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. ============================================================================= When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. ============================================================================= Murphy's Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble! ============================================================================= The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. ============================================================================= TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door." ============================================================================= The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. ============================================================================= "The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" ============================================================================= Rules for driving in New York: 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection. ============================================================================= Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! ============================================================================= Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! ============================================================================= Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. ============================================================================= Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. ============================================================================= "What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" ============================================================================= If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. -- Marguerite Emmons ============================================================================= I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. -- George McGovern ============================================================================= Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. ============================================================================= Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. -- J. P. McEvoy ============================================================================= Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Dykstra ============================================================================= Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." ============================================================================= UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. ============================================================================= If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. -- T. Cheatham ============================================================================= The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers ============================================================================= The fact that it works is immaterial. -- L. Ogborn ============================================================================= Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. ============================================================================= The world is coming to an end. Please log off. ============================================================================= Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry N. Camp ============================================================================= "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." ============================================================================= Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant." ============================================================================= When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. ============================================================================= Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. ============================================================================= She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could have poured on a waffle ... ============================================================================= While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention. -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 ============================================================================= San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen ============================================================================= Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. ============================================================================= If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. ============================================================================= A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. ============================================================================= Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin ============================================================================= If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin ============================================================================= Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana ============================================================================= Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. ============================================================================= If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer ============================================================================= When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. ============================================================================= In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? ============================================================================= A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." ============================================================================= You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. -- F. Allen ============================================================================= People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. ============================================================================= Air is water with holes in it ============================================================================= Lysistrata had a good idea. ============================================================================= Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play? ============================================================================= In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. -- Egyptian Book of the Dead ============================================================================= Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature. ============================================================================= Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen ============================================================================= Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. ============================================================================= The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. ============================================================================= Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. ============================================================================= Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. ============================================================================= Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday ============================================================================= If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? ============================================================================= The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. ============================================================================= Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants. 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 6. People ignore you at parties. 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. ============================================================================= Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. 5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. 10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. ============================================================================= Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. XXXX I AM HERE ============================================================================= I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh ============================================================================= Speak roughly to your little VAX, And boot it when it crashes; It knows that one cannot relax Because the paging thrashes! Wow! Wow! Wow! I speak severely to my VAX, And boot it when it crashes; In spite of all my favorite hacks My jobs it always thrashes! Wow! Wow! Wow! ============================================================================= Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. ============================================================================= No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. ============================================================================= If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. ============================================================================= The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even. ============================================================================= I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers ============================================================================= The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper -- Thomas Jefferson ============================================================================= Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. ============================================================================= If an S and an I and an O and a U With an X at the end spell Su; And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then, if also an S and an I and a G And an HED spell side, There's nothing much left for a speller to do But to go commit siouxeyesighed. -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" ============================================================================= A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". ============================================================================= 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR (1) Scarecrow for centipedes (2) Dead cat brush (3) Hair barrettes (4) Cleats (5) Self-piercing earrings (6) Fungus trellis (7) False eyelashes (8) Prosthetic dog claws . . . (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) (100) Killer velcro 101. Currency ============================================================================= Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust? ============================================================================= To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog ============================================================================= Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? ============================================================================= Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. ============================================================================= However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea. -- Tom K. Ryan ============================================================================= System/3! System/3! See how it runs! See how it runs! Its monitor loses so totally! It runs all its programs in RPG! It's made by our favorite monopoly! System/3! ============================================================================= The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning." ============================================================================= Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. ============================================================================= The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." ============================================================================= LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. ============================================================================= Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. ============================================================================= Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. ============================================================================= There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence. ============================================================================= What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. ============================================================================= Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization." ============================================================================= Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. ============================================================================= A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 ============================================================================= Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. ============================================================================= Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows. ============================================================================= "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether?" -- Jehan Shuman ============================================================================= "You'll never be the man your mother was!" ============================================================================= Mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. ============================================================================= I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. ============================================================================= Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. ============================================================================= RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 2. Never leave the table hungry. 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 4. Enjoy your food. 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can always eat it later. 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11. Avoid blue food. -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" ============================================================================= God is real, unless declared integer. ============================================================================= Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator. ============================================================================= Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. ============================================================================= 186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! ============================================================================= Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier ============================================================================= Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. ============================================================================= A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). ============================================================================= "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere." ============================================================================= "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE HAW"!!'" -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" ============================================================================= Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ============================================================================= A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. ============================================================================= The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers. ============================================================================= Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on. ============================================================================= There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all? ============================================================================= Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. ============================================================================= The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. ============================================================================= "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes ..." ============================================================================= A fool must now and then be right by chance. ============================================================================= If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. ============================================================================= "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!" -- Macy's ============================================================================= Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton ============================================================================= Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. -- Peggy Joyce ============================================================================= Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. ============================================================================= A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. ============================================================================= Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? ============================================================================= Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault. ============================================================================= Be different: conform. ============================================================================= There's no future in time travel ============================================================================= Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? ============================================================================= Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. ============================================================================= Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. ============================================================================= Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. ============================================================================= Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Schultz ============================================================================= During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." ============================================================================= Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. ============================================================================= Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud. ============================================================================= You may be recognized soon. Hide. ============================================================================= All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- E. Rutherford ============================================================================= Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ============================================================================= Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. ============================================================================= Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. -- Alan McKay ============================================================================= Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. ============================================================================= Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. ============================================================================= GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. ============================================================================= "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray." ============================================================================= Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! ============================================================================= "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." ============================================================================= If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. ============================================================================= Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer. ============================================================================= As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable." ============================================================================= Xerox never comes up with anything original. ============================================================================= "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" ============================================================================= We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. ============================================================================= Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" ============================================================================= The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine ============================================================================= A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George Wald ============================================================================= The Crown is full of it! -- Nate Harris, 1775 ============================================================================= Here I sit, broken-hearted, All logged in, but work unstarted. First net.this and net.that, And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. The boss comes by, and I play the game, Then I turn back to net.flame. Is there a cure (I need your views), For someone trapped in net.news? I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. ============================================================================= Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. ============================================================================= Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. ============================================================================= Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. ============================================================================= Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. ============================================================================= Computer programmers do it byte by byte ============================================================================= Two percent of zero is almost nothing. ============================================================================= Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. ============================================================================= If you're happy, you're successful. ============================================================================= How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? ============================================================================= Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. ============================================================================= Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. ============================================================================= Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. ============================================================================= The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. -- G. B. Shaw ============================================================================= My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. ============================================================================= "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." ============================================================================= Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. ============================================================================= I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky ============================================================================= Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. ============================================================================= Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks ============================================================================= Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before me bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when i be dry; And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise. ============================================================================= Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra! ============================================================================= Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes ============================================================================= God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. -- Kronecker ============================================================================= Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. ============================================================================= A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi ============================================================================= As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert ============================================================================= George Orwell was an optimist. ============================================================================= The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. ============================================================================= It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. ============================================================================= "Qvid me anxivs svm?" ============================================================================= Disc space -- the final frontier! ============================================================================= Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. ============================================================================= A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. ============================================================================= Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... -- Carl Zwanzig ============================================================================= One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 ============================================================================= "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers That your lectures bore people to death. Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- Don't you think that you should save your breath?" "I have answered three questions and that is enough," Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" ============================================================================= A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Don Quinn ============================================================================= Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. ============================================================================= What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. ============================================================================= If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. -- William Baumol ============================================================================= Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. ============================================================================= Drive defensively. Buy a tank. ============================================================================= Down with categorical imperative! ============================================================================= Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? ============================================================================= If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. ============================================================================= Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. ============================================================================= If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. ============================================================================= Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. ============================================================================= I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. -- Lillian Hellman ============================================================================= Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. ============================================================================= Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries ============================================================================= Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck. ============================================================================= Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. -- Robb Russon ============================================================================= This fortune is false. ============================================================================= Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type? ============================================================================= Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk: Then it's of external origin? Spock: Affirmative. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. ============================================================================= Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -- Oscar Levant ============================================================================= Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones ============================================================================= About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover ============================================================================= Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. ============================================================================= A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. ============================================================================= If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. -- Lyndon Baines Johnson ============================================================================= Love is sentimental measles. ============================================================================= You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. ============================================================================= Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. -- N. Meyrowitz ============================================================================= Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. ============================================================================= Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. ============================================================================= Beware of low-flying butterflies. ============================================================================= Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. ============================================================================= Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. ============================================================================= President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. -- The Washington Post ============================================================================= Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. ============================================================================= Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. ============================================================================= If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year. What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ... If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... ============================================================================= Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. ============================================================================= Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke ============================================================================= THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES The one who has the gold makes the rules. ============================================================================= Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. ============================================================================= Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -- Susan Ertz ============================================================================= Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the m"obius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip. ============================================================================= Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. ============================================================================= If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin. ============================================================================= Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! ============================================================================= A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. ============================================================================= Gray's Law of Programming: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `_n' tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. ============================================================================= Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. ============================================================================= Only God can make random selections. ============================================================================= "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" ============================================================================= Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex Reed ============================================================================= Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. ============================================================================= Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. ============================================================================= An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. -- A. P. Herbert ============================================================================= If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? ============================================================================= CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. ============================================================================= Whatever became of eternal truth? ============================================================================= Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. ============================================================================= Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. ============================================================================= Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir ============================================================================= Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. ============================================================================= Brain fried -- Core dumped ============================================================================= A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. Gries ============================================================================= Probable-Possible, my black hen, She lays eggs in the Relative When. She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now Because she's unable to postulate how. -- Frederick Winsor ============================================================================= What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. ============================================================================= There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. ============================================================================= One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. ============================================================================= You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. ============================================================================= If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. ============================================================================= (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) To code the impossible code, To bring up a virgin machine, To pop out of endless recursion, To grok what appears on the screen, To right the unrightable bug, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To mount the unmountable magtape, To stop the unstoppable crash! ============================================================================= I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. ============================================================================= All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door. ============================================================================= Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik Tikkanen ============================================================================= Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, in kernel as it is in user! ============================================================================= Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. ============================================================================= WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair. ============================================================================= Lizzie Borden took an axe, And plunged it deep into the VAX; Don't you envy people who Do all the things ___YOU want to do? ============================================================================= Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends. ============================================================================= Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked. ============================================================================= While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. ============================================================================= Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. ============================================================================= Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maughm ============================================================================= Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. ============================================================================= "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." -- Bill Hoest ============================================================================= Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. ============================================================================= NEWS FLASH!! Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion. ============================================================================= A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery ============================================================================= If all be true that I do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. ============================================================================= Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. ============================================================================= Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon ============================================================================= Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. ============================================================================= "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." -- J. Paul Getty ============================================================================= Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. ============================================================================= It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. ============================================================================= Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ============================================================================= Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. ============================================================================= Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it. =============================================================================A A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. ============================================================================= Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" ============================================================================= The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic. ============================================================================= A penny saved is ridiculous. ============================================================================= "Heisenberg may have slept here" ============================================================================= Unfair animal names: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead -- booby -- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker -- Clarence -- Gary Larson ============================================================================= We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! ============================================================================= It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right. ============================================================================= A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. ============================================================================= If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. -- Vannevar Bush ============================================================================= Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. ============================================================================= Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. ============================================================================= "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." -- Dagwood Bumstead ============================================================================= May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. ============================================================================= Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. ============================================================================= A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tenessee Williams ============================================================================= Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. ============================================================================= A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English. ============================================================================= A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she. "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said with a pout, "To hear my character lied about!" -- Gopete Sherany ============================================================================= For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. ============================================================================= If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. ============================================================================= One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. ============================================================================= Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. ============================================================================= "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." ============================================================================= Those who can't write, write manuals. ============================================================================= "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. ============================================================================= Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. -- Dave Storer ============================================================================= Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. ============================================================================= Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy ============================================================================= Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. ============================================================================= If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. ============================================================================= A day without sunshine is like night. ============================================================================= Ankh if you love Isis. ============================================================================= Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. ============================================================================= The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. ============================================================================= Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. ============================================================================= May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts ============================================================================= Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. ============================================================================= Since we're all here, we must not be all there. -- Bob "Mountain" Beck ============================================================================= If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. ============================================================================= //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH ============================================================================= A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. ============================================================================= How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. ============================================================================= To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. ============================================================================= JACK AND THE BEANSTACK by Mark Isaak Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window ... ============================================================================= It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. ============================================================================= The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms! ============================================================================= Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up. ============================================================================= Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! ============================================================================= NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" ============================================================================= The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. -- Matthew 5:37 ============================================================================= Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. ============================================================================= The more things change, the more they stay insane. ============================================================================= Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. ============================================================================= Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. ============================================================================= Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. ============================================================================= Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. ============================================================================= There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." ============================================================================= In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables. ============================================================================= We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. ... "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee." The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition ============================================================================= "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ..." ============================================================================= Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. ============================================================================= It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark ============================================================================= After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. ============================================================================= Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. ============================================================================= GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21) -- July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood lookout. ============================================================================= "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." ============================================================================= "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." ============================================================================= Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz ============================================================================= I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. ============================================================================= Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. ============================================================================= All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. -- Samuel Butler ============================================================================= Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. ============================================================================= Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the black. -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" ============================================================================= If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. ============================================================================= Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. ============================================================================= MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 2 cups water 2 cups sugar 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine Cinnamon Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box ============================================================================= A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five time eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. ============================================================================= "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." ============================================================================= Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization. HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record. ============================================================================= No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. ============================================================================= By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. ============================================================================= A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew Col ============================================================================= What I tell you three times is true. ============================================================================= It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White ============================================================================= As I was passing Project MAC, I met a Quux with seven hacks. Every hack had seven bugs; Every bug had seven manifestations; Every manifestation had seven symptoms. Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, How many losses at Project MAC? ============================================================================= Reclaimer, spare that tree! Take not a single bit! It used to point to me, Now I'm protecting it. It was the reader's CONS That made it, paired by dot; Now, GC, for the nonce, Thou shalt reclaim it not. ============================================================================= "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." ============================================================================= Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; Less dear than army ants in apple pies Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose They suck, and like the double-breasted suit Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. ============================================================================= You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. ============================================================================= All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'Casey ============================================================================= The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do. ============================================================================= According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo ============================================================================= Absence makes the heart go wander. ============================================================================= Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. ============================================================================= Polymer physicists are into chains. ============================================================================= Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. POWDERMILK BISCUITS Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. ============================================================================= Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. ============================================================================= Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. ============================================================================= There was a young man who said "God, I find it exceedingly odd, That the willow oak tree Continues to be, When there's no one about in the Quad." "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, For I'm always about in the Quad; And that's why the tree, Continues to be," Signed "Yours faithfully, God." ============================================================================= She's genuinely bogus. ============================================================================= If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. ============================================================================= "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "I've never done anything illegal before." "I thought you said you were an accountant!" ============================================================================= "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." ============================================================================= Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. ============================================================================= A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. ============================================================================= "If you have to hate, hate gently" ============================================================================= The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." ============================================================================= Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. ============================================================================= Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. ============================================================================= Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 ============================================================================= Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. ============================================================================= I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. -- Blaise Pascal ============================================================================= PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus. ============================================================================= The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right. ============================================================================= If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. ============================================================================= The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. ============================================================================= Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa ============================================================================= I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL soon ... ============================================================================= "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." ============================================================================= CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. ============================================================================= Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. ============================================================================= Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive. ============================================================================= Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. ============================================================================= Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. ============================================================================= Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. -- My Shoe ============================================================================= There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Henry Kissinger ============================================================================= Why I Can't Go Out With You: I'd LOVE to, but ... -- I have to floss my cat. -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. -- I need to spend more time with my blender. -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. -- I have some really hard words to look up. -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. ============================================================================= It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. ============================================================================= I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. -- William F. Buckley ============================================================================= If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. ============================================================================= "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." ============================================================================= Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. ============================================================================= Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. ============================================================================= You will be surprised by a loud noise. ============================================================================= "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. -- Randy Davis ============================================================================= If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. ============================================================================= Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. ============================================================================= Talkers are no good doers. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" ============================================================================= He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp." ============================================================================= A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. ============================================================================= Anything worth doing is worth overdoing ============================================================================= Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ============================================================================= If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? ============================================================================= QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. ============================================================================= Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath ... ============================================================================= Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. ============================================================================= Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. ============================================================================= Politician, n.: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. -- Martin Pitt ============================================================================= "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." ============================================================================= Yes, but which self do you want to be? ============================================================================= Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often! ============================================================================= What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? ============================================================================= Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). ============================================================================= Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? ============================================================================= Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. ============================================================================= Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. ============================================================================= Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. ============================================================================= If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -- Earl Wilson ============================================================================= Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. ============================================================================= LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. ============================================================================= I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. ============================================================================= Vitamin C deficiency is apauling ============================================================================= The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 ============================================================================= Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. ============================================================================= Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. ============================================================================= "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery ============================================================================= Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line. ============================================================================= Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. ============================================================================= "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" -- Paul McCracken ============================================================================= The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. -- Henry Kissinger ============================================================================= What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. ============================================================================= Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. ============================================================================= Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later ============================================================================= Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. ============================================================================= Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. ============================================================================= The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson ============================================================================= You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. ============================================================================= The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. ============================================================================= "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." ============================================================================= Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. ============================================================================= PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. ============================================================================= Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. -- Aristotle ============================================================================= A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. ============================================================================= ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. White ============================================================================= Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? ============================================================================= There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. ============================================================================= Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. ============================================================================= While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. ============================================================================= God is a polythiest ============================================================================= Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. -- Aldous Huxley ============================================================================= "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong." ============================================================================= Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet ============================================================================= The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. ============================================================================= Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy. -- A. Einstein ============================================================================= MORE SPORTS RESULTS: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. ============================================================================= It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? ============================================================================= Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. ============================================================================= Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. ============================================================================= "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." ============================================================================= Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens From "The Thirteen Clocks" ============================================================================= If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard Nixon ============================================================================= If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard M. Nixon ============================================================================= Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. ============================================================================= Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. ============================================================================= Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery. ============================================================================= If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. ============================================================================= Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. ============================================================================= DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. ============================================================================= Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. ============================================================================= You might have mail ============================================================================= Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. ============================================================================= Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. ============================================================================= What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi ============================================================================= If anything can go wrong, it will. ============================================================================= There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. -- Gloria Steinem ============================================================================= Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. ============================================================================= Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. ============================================================================= When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. ============================================================================= Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. ============================================================================= Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). 2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!" ============================================================================= Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. ============================================================================= Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. ============================================================================= Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. ============================================================================= "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." -- John Barrymore's dying words ============================================================================= Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. ============================================================================= A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." -- Stephen Crane ============================================================================= From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. -- Swinburne ============================================================================= Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. -- William Shakespeare, "King John" ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it." ============================================================================= The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow. ============================================================================= The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. ============================================================================= He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. ============================================================================= One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. ============================================================================= To be is to do. -- I. Kant To do is to be. -- A. Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flinstone ============================================================================= Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. ============================================================================= The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman ============================================================================= Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. ============================================================================= To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" ============================================================================= Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. ============================================================================= Conceit causes more conversation than wit. -- LaRouchefoucauld ============================================================================= "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." ============================================================================= Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. -- Core Dumped Blues ============================================================================= There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business? ============================================================================= When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine ============================================================================= A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. ============================================================================= All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture." ============================================================================= NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION ============================================================================= Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. ============================================================================= Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. ============================================================================= Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. ============================================================================= This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. ============================================================================= Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. ============================================================================= People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future. ============================================================================= "All flesh is grass" -- Isiah Smoke a friend today. ============================================================================= Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. ============================================================================= Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. ============================================================================= Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. ============================================================================= To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison ============================================================================= "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" ============================================================================= Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. -- Beckett ============================================================================= In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency -- The Peter Principle ============================================================================= The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some. -- Dwight MacDonald ============================================================================= God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. ============================================================================= Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. ============================================================================= You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. ============================================================================= Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. ============================================================================= Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... ============================================================================= As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" ============================================================================= "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia ============================================================================= An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. ============================================================================= You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. -- Henrick Ibson ============================================================================= On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" ============================================================================= (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. ============================================================================= It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. ============================================================================= What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. ============================================================================= Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. ============================================================================= "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?" ============================================================================= The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. ============================================================================= Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. ============================================================================= Innovation is hard to schedule. -- Dan Fylstra ============================================================================= DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged. ============================================================================= If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? ============================================================================= We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. -- F. G. Withington ============================================================================= "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" -- Time Bandits ============================================================================= The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. -- Anatole France ============================================================================= I am changing my name to Crysler I am going down to Washington, D.C. I will tell some power broker What they did for Iacocca Will be perfectly acceptable to me! I am changing my name to Chrysler, I am heading for that great receiving line. When they hand a million grand out, I'll be standing with my hand out, Yessir, I'll get mine! ============================================================================= It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal ============================================================================= Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. ============================================================================= Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right ============================================================================= A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. -- Gigo ============================================================================= A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. -- Anatol Holt ============================================================================= Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. ============================================================================= All the world's a VAX, And all the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like slug Unwillingly to school. -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 ============================================================================= They also surf who only stand on waves. ============================================================================= Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. ============================================================================= God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -- Alfred Jarry ============================================================================= You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. ============================================================================= Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". -- Dave Parnas ============================================================================= Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. -- Kipling ============================================================================= San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. ============================================================================= Bumper sticker: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture" ============================================================================= "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." ============================================================================= "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." --English Professor, Ohio University ============================================================================= Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. ============================================================================= The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. ============================================================================= The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. -- Merrick Furst ============================================================================= While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. ============================================================================= Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! ============================================================================= There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. ============================================================================= But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" ============================================================================= Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. ============================================================================= In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. ============================================================================= Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. ============================================================================= Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. ============================================================================= Things are more like they used to be than they are now. ============================================================================= Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em. ============================================================================= The STAR WARS Song Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda ============================================================================= Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. ============================================================================= Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything ============================================================================= When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? ============================================================================= Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". ============================================================================= Every program has two purposes -- written and another for which it wasn't. ============================================================================= Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. ============================================================================= Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! ============================================================================= Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. ============================================================================= You're at the end of the road again. ============================================================================= To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. ============================================================================= He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. ============================================================================= No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt ============================================================================= Honk if you love peace and quiet. ============================================================================= I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. ============================================================================= Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things? ============================================================================= "You are old, Father William," the young man said, "All your papers these days look the same; Those William's would be better unread -- Do these facts never fill you with shame?" "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, "I wrote wonderful papers galore; But the great reputation I found that I'd won, Made it pointless to think any more." ============================================================================= Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F. J. Raymond ============================================================================= You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ============================================================================= Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? -- Arlo Guthrie ============================================================================= Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. ============================================================================= While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there. ============================================================================= The revolution will not be televised. ============================================================================= Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. ============================================================================= Put your Nose to the Grindstone! -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. ============================================================================= Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. ============================================================================= If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. ============================================================================= The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest. ============================================================================= The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. ============================================================================= The chief cause of problems is solutions. ============================================================================= The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again. ============================================================================= Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. ============================================================================= Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. ============================================================================= California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran ============================================================================= If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. ============================================================================= We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna And a Sun Myung Moon! -- Maxwell Smart ============================================================================= The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group. ============================================================================= Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. ============================================================================= The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. ============================================================================= Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. ============================================================================= Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. ============================================================================= It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- R. Serling ============================================================================= When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. -- R. A. Lafferty ============================================================================= Another Glitch in the Call ------- ------ -- --- ---- (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Did you leave the lists alone? Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. ============================================================================= One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch Him. -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 ============================================================================= [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost ___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" ============================================================================= The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. ============================================================================= Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. ============================================================================= Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. ============================================================================= As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 ============================================================================= Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? Jaka: Ugh! Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" ============================================================================= God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh ============================================================================= One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. ============================================================================= Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardin ============================================================================= I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. -- Gloria Steinem ============================================================================= This fortune intentionally not included. ============================================================================= First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. ============================================================================= Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. ============================================================================= A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive ============================================================================= Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?" ============================================================================= Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! (chorus) (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! (chorus) CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me! ============================================================================= "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" -- MacNelley, "Shoe" ============================================================================= A closed mouth gathers no foot. ============================================================================= Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. ============================================================================= Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. -- Don Vonada ============================================================================= Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes. ============================================================================= I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. ============================================================================= Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. ============================================================================= In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. -- Art Linkletter ============================================================================= Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. ============================================================================= When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. ============================================================================= Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. ============================================================================= Entropy isn't what it used to be. ============================================================================= A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now has no excuse for further procrastination. ============================================================================= Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. ============================================================================= Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud." ============================================================================= A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. ============================================================================= Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. ============================================================================= New systems generate new problems. ============================================================================= It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson ============================================================================= !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH ============================================================================= Justice, n.: A decision in your favor. ============================================================================= When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected; only Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near. -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" ============================================================================= The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ============================================================================= f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. ============================================================================= How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey ============================================================================= Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. ============================================================================= Review Questions 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? ============================================================================= The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ============================================================================= All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. ============================================================================= And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the world. -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" ============================================================================= It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. ============================================================================= Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. ============================================================================= "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" ============================================================================= Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure. ============================================================================= A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. =============================================================================" I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." ============================================================================= A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan. ============================================================================= Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. ============================================================================= You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. ============================================================================= Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction techniques are very popular, even the military used them. SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just about _n. QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") ============================================================================= Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. ============================================================================= No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce ============================================================================= When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" ============================================================================= First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). ============================================================================= Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. ============================================================================= O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: "Murphy was an optimist." ============================================================================= 43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped ============================================================================= Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. ============================================================================= The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. ============================================================================= If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I ============================================================================= "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." ============================================================================= "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!" ============================================================================= Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis ============================================================================= Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! ============================================================================= Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. ============================================================================= A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. ============================================================================= When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. ============================================================================= After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. -- P. J. O'Rourke ============================================================================= Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister -- Su Tung-p'o ============================================================================= What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 ============================================================================= Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! ============================================================================= Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. ============================================================================= This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. ============================================================================= Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". ============================================================================= There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. ============================================================================= "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." -- Henry Kissinger ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian." ============================================================================= "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." ============================================================================= Excellent time to become a missing person. ============================================================================= "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." ============================================================================= "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." ============================================================================= Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary ============================================================================= Please take note: ============================================================================= Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. ============================================================================= It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. ============================================================================= If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow! ============================================================================= Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. ============================================================================= Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. ============================================================================= It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News ============================================================================= One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. ============================================================================= It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. ============================================================================= Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. ============================================================================= Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. ============================================================================= Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. ============================================================================= Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. ============================================================================= Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% ============================================================================= A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg. ============================================================================= Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? ============================================================================= "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" -- Foghorn Leghorn ============================================================================= I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate ============================================================================= Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. ============================================================================= A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. ============================================================================= ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" ============================================================================= There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. ============================================================================= It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ... -- Playboy, January 1983 ============================================================================= A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. ============================================================================= Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon ============================================================================= Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) ============================================================================= Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps. ============================================================================= Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. ============================================================================= I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ============================================================================= INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. ============================================================================= When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is. -- Robespierre ============================================================================= Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. ============================================================================= Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. ============================================================================= Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. ============================================================================= Avoid reality at all costs. ============================================================================= Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. ============================================================================= Someone will try to honk your nose today. ============================================================================= Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved. ============================================================================= Weinberg's Principle: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. ============================================================================= Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. ============================================================================= When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. ============================================================================= Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." -- Russell Long ============================================================================= I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. -- G. K. Chesterton ============================================================================= Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. ============================================================================= Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- G. B. Shaw ============================================================================= 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... ============================================================================= PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. ============================================================================= For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. ============================================================================= Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood ============================================================================= If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ============================================================================= Langsam's Laws: 1) Everything depends. 2) Nothing is always. 3) Everything is sometimes. ============================================================================= Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. ============================================================================= Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" ============================================================================= What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. ============================================================================= University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... ============================================================================= I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson ============================================================================= Laetrile is the pits ============================================================================= If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end. -- Bert Whitney ============================================================================= Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. ============================================================================= Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. ============================================================================= "It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done". ============================================================================= Surprise due today. Also the rent. ============================================================================= BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) ============================================================================= Don't feed the bats tonight. ============================================================================= Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. ============================================================================= The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. ============================================================================= There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. -- Clint Eastwood ============================================================================= 99 blocks of crud on the disk, 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... ============================================================================= Stay away from flying saucers today. ============================================================================= "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And make errors few people could bear; You complain about everyone's English but yours -- Do you really think this is quite fair?" "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, "But my stature these days is so great That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, And to stop me it's now far too late." ============================================================================= Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. ============================================================================= It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. ============================================================================= It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. ============================================================================= In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled. ============================================================================= A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. ============================================================================= Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. ============================================================================= (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. ============================================================================= Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. ============================================================================= Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. (1) Horses have an even number of legs. (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: Intimidation Gesticulation (handwaving) "Try it; it works" Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) Blatant assertion Changing all the 2's to _n's Mutual consent Lack of a counterexample, and "It stands to reason" ============================================================================= A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it adds up to be real money. -- Everett McKinley Dirksen ============================================================================= Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. ============================================================================= Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. ============================================================================= Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. ============================================================================= The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King ============================================================================= Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. ============================================================================= Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -- Euripides ============================================================================= Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. ============================================================================= Your lucky color has faded. ============================================================================= If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. ============================================================================= There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself. 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 3. Forbid your kids to do it. ============================================================================= Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the smaller prime numbers. 2: The Odd Prime -- It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 3: The True Prime -- Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 31: The Arbitrary Prime -- Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. ============================================================================= /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. ============================================================================= Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. ============================================================================= Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. ============================================================================= It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? -- Elizabeth Carpenter ============================================================================= Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. ============================================================================= With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm? ============================================================================= ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. ============================================================================= Your fault: core dumped ============================================================================= "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes?" ============================================================================= Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. ============================================================================= Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. -- Eric Hoffer ============================================================================= While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does. ============================================================================= Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! ============================================================================= We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. -- Andy Rooney ============================================================================= Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. ============================================================================= McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. ============================================================================= God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher ============================================================================= The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train. ============================================================================= Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them. ============================================================================= Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. ============================================================================= I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. ============================================================================= That secret you've been guarding, isn't. ============================================================================= "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." -- "The Begatting of a President" ============================================================================= Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. ============================================================================= The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." "How?" demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" ============================================================================= Xerox does it again and again and again and ... ============================================================================= He who Laughs, Lasts. ============================================================================= The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) ============================================================================= I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. -- James R. F. Quirk ============================================================================= "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's Machineries of Joy?" "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" ============================================================================= Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. ============================================================================= Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! ============================================================================= William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. ============================================================================= Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. ============================================================================= AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! ============================================================================= Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. ============================================================================= The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum ============================================================================= At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 ============================================================================= If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. ============================================================================= Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. ============================================================================= If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. ============================================================================= Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. ============================================================================= The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -- Elizabeth Taylor ============================================================================= Your lucky color has faded. ============================================================================= If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. ============================================================================= How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software." How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual." How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out." ============================================================================= Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. ============================================================================= For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. -- Justin Richardson. ============================================================================= Garbage In -- Gospel Out. ============================================================================= Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. ============================================================================= If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? ============================================================================= Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. ============================================================================= Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. ============================================================================= God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. -- Pablo Picasso ============================================================================= I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one. -- James Gordon Bennett ============================================================================= You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. ============================================================================= The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. ============================================================================= Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. ============================================================================= Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: Name # ============================================================================= The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. ============================================================================= "Don't say yes until I finish talking." -- Darryl F. Zanuck ============================================================================= Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. ============================================================================= Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake. ============================================================================= Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. ============================================================================= The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. ============================================================================= Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. ============================================================================= Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul ============================================================================= For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton ============================================================================= How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." ============================================================================= Look out! Behind you! ============================================================================= Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. ============================================================================= Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? ============================================================================= My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. ============================================================================= Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. ============================================================================= Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. ============================================================================= Don't be humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir ============================================================================= Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh .............. ============================================================================= Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you. ============================================================================= Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. ============================================================================= Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. ============================================================================= Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. ============================================================================= Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. ============================================================================= There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself. 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 3. Forbid your kids to do it. ============================================================================= Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. ============================================================================= Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. ============================================================================= I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. -- A. R. Longworth ============================================================================= Virtue is its own punishment. ============================================================================= Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. -- Snoopy ============================================================================= May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. ============================================================================= In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better. ============================================================================= E Pluribus Unix ============================================================================= Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. ============================================================================= It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay ============================================================================= Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. ============================================================================= A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Ben Franklin ============================================================================= Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle ============================================================================= I'm N-ary the tree, I am, N-ary the tree, I am, I am. I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, She's traversed me seven times before. And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, N-ary the tree I am. ============================================================================= I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. -- Art Leo ============================================================================= Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. ============================================================================= A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. ============================================================================= A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. ============================================================================= Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. ============================================================================= What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. ============================================================================= Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? ============================================================================= It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. ============================================================================= It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. ============================================================================= "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- William Gilbert ============================================================================= "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff Berner ============================================================================= Adult, n.: One old enough to know better. ============================================================================= Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. ============================================================================= Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. ============================================================================= Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. -- D. J. Hicks ============================================================================= Keep you Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now ... try to get something DONE! ============================================================================= Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle ============================================================================= Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) ============================================================================= I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. --Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" ============================================================================= The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. -- Bill Murray ============================================================================= One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. ============================================================================= One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. -- Mark Ardis ============================================================================= Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. ============================================================================= Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. ============================================================================= Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. ============================================================================= At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. ============================================================================= Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. ============================================================================= An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch He wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence: Please ignore previous fortune. ============================================================================= Oh, wow! Look at the moon! ============================================================================= The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. ============================================================================= "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." -- Alexander Haig ============================================================================= Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) ============================================================================= America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara ============================================================================= You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance. ============================================================================= Immortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff ============================================================================= It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ============================================================================= A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. ============================================================================= Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? ============================================================================= You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. ============================================================================= Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? ============================================================================= New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary ============================================================================= Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. ============================================================================= Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. ============================================================================= Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. ============================================================================= ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned." ============================================================================= Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. ============================================================================= Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ============================================================================= Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. ============================================================================= It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" ============================================================================= Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. ============================================================================= Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post ============================================================================= Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. ============================================================================= The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. ============================================================================= If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty ============================================================================= Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). ============================================================================= pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff ============================================================================= The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. ============================================================================= There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. ============================================================================= Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. ============================================================================= Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. ============================================================================= Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. ============================================================================= As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. ============================================================================= He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. -- John Mason Brown, drama critic ============================================================================= A very intelligent turtle Found programming UNIX a hurdle The system, you see, Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle. ============================================================================= Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. ============================================================================= Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. ============================================================================= Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! ============================================================================= People will buy anything that's one to a customer. ============================================================================= Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions. ============================================================================= Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are. ============================================================================= [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III ============================================================================= You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict ============================================================================= Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. ============================================================================= A pig is a jolly companion, Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountains may topple and tilt. When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, You'll never go wrong with a pig! -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" ============================================================================= Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. ============================================================================= Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. ============================================================================= Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. ============================================================================= LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. ============================================================================= Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. ============================================================================= Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1. None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 2. Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 3. I don't know. 4. Who cares? 5. 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 6. There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). ============================================================================= Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. ============================================================================= Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. ============================================================================= Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. ============================================================================= Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. ============================================================================= THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -- Rico Tudor ============================================================================= Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. ============================================================================= Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. ============================================================================= Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. ============================================================================= If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow ============================================================================= A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. ============================================================================= You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive. ============================================================================= Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. ============================================================================= This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. ============================================================================= Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. ============================================================================= Hall's Laws of Politics: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). ============================================================================= "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." -- Ashleigh Brilliant ============================================================================= "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Ashleigh Brilliant ============================================================================= Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. -- Andrew Young ============================================================================= You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. Salinger ============================================================================= Kiss your keyboard goodbye! ============================================================================= Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs... ============================================================================= The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. ============================================================================= On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. ============================================================================= Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least he can do is to Shut Up! -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" ============================================================================= The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. -- T. Lehrer ============================================================================= Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!" ============================================================================= "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane." ============================================================================= Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. ============================================================================= Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn ============================================================================= Stay away from hurricanes for a while. ============================================================================= Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. ============================================================================= Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. ============================================================================= May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! ============================================================================= Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it. ============================================================================= Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. ============================================================================= Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. ============================================================================= "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling." ============================================================================= God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. ============================================================================= Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... ============================================================================= I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. ============================================================================= Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. ============================================================================= "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." --Profesoor W. ============================================================================= Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. ============================================================================= A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason. ============================================================================= For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. ============================================================================= "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." ============================================================================= If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner ============================================================================= Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. ============================================================================= It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. ============================================================================= "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune." ============================================================================= A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." "If what?" asked the composer. "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" ============================================================================= Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. -- M. C. Reed. ============================================================================= Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabe ============================================================================= Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. ============================================================================= If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. -- Roy Santoro ============================================================================= Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. ============================================================================= Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive. ============================================================================= Wasting time is an important part of living. ============================================================================= Alex Haley was adopted! ============================================================================= Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. ============================================================================= Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down. ============================================================================= I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts ============================================================================= Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. ============================================================================= How doth the VAX's C-compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear all their clothes to rags. ============================================================================= Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York ============================================================================= Everything you know is wrong! ============================================================================= If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. ============================================================================= If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. ============================================================================= A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'Henry ============================================================================= If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? ============================================================================= I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher ============================================================================= If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home. -- Eugene P. Gallagher ============================================================================= People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. ============================================================================= Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb ============================================================================= How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? ============================================================================= How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. ============================================================================= When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom! -- Laurie Anderson ============================================================================= Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard ============================================================================= Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard ============================================================================= Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. -- W. Somerset Maugham ============================================================================= Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. ============================================================================= But scientists, who ought to know Assure us that it must be so. Oh, let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about. -- Hilaire Belloc ============================================================================= Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. ============================================================================= Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! ============================================================================= Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. -- Rainer Rilke ============================================================================= Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. ============================================================================= If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. ============================================================================= We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. ============================================================================= Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends ============================================================================= A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ... ============================================================================= The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. ============================================================================= Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. =============================================================================
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